Angkor Sunset

Up on this mountain, I "climbed" up as said by my story teller guide. To be honest, I just walked up the hill for 20mins, climbed up few steep stairs, no biggies. There were people "climbing" by riding on the elephant though. I felt like they so want to live in stone age when one can deprive rights from the "inferior" or the less powered.

up on the mountain, with a small Pagoda, over looking the Angkor area, was quite breath taking. I was sitting crossed legs writing, meditating at the edge of the temple. Within an hour, I suddenly found myself sitting from tranquility to louder and louder noise. I looked around, it was full of tourists arrived around me trying to watch the sunset as well! It was fucking noisy. Those fucking Korean, Chineses were so fucking loud. people running around taking photos and shouting. I wondered do they actually realize they are being inconsiderate and going to destroy the beautiful sunset. I felt so fucking trapped. Compared with my visit to the little local villages up north, the gentle natives; the natural space; the solitude, I turned myself in to hell where it supposed to be heavily beautiful. I almost want to ask politely "do you mind to keep the voice down?" to the Koreans behind. However, when I looked at them, their happiness with those fucking noisy laughs, stopped me. I guess they have the right to do whatever in this open space. So, I decided to cover both my ears with my hands. Wishing the sunset will be over soon and wondering if this is how it works , louder you are, the happier you can be. Whatever it is, I was the one feeling annoyed while they were happily enjoying their own noise.

sleepy in Siem Reap

yeap. staying in bed was the best thing I could do since arrived in Siem Reap. It's the worst thing too but after all, not a disaster that happened even before my usual bed time.

I felt extraordinary ill on plane stopping over 3 hours in Singapore from HK to Siem Reap. Time just stopped for me there, unpleasantly. A prearranged cabbie holding a paper sign" Parol" up at the exit of Siem Reap Airport. I thought, yes, god, my savior, I am whoever you call me, Parol, Carol, Taro, that's me! My phone rang when he grapped my bag, dumped into the trunk and shut it. My sister called and said the arranged free driver was on his way. Cabbie refused to give me back my bag when I requested, and yelled, "you are Parol right? I am your drive now. The other driver is not free today!!" I pondered but I crawled into the cab, thinking, in no way I could get back my bag if were not taking his. I almost threw up on my way, cold sweat and thinking am I gona die in Cambodia without even gotta see the Angkor Watt. My sis and the charity organizer already at the Guest house greeting me with 2 hands, whispered "the free one is now at the airport". Gosh, there gone my 7usd. and I almost forgot, a greeting of" everyone I picked up are happy, expect you!" from the cabbie.

So there, lied in bed for the next 24 hours. I always love sleeping, slept in Siem Reap just never so much.

Floating Izu

There is something so funny about myself I think. Like things happening but I don't realized they are. Probably because I am too careless or just bit stupid in understanding it.

I sank myself into this super hot onsen, dipping my head down till water level with my eyes, as I really don't like putting my eyes underwater and scared my eyes may burst by the heat. Everything went into a world of silence. I heard something though, so loud and closed to my body. My heardbeats, I did not get stupid and got scared of course. I looked around with head still half way sank in, no one around but me, so, those were my heartbeats I was pretty sure. I almost giggled to choke though. The sound reminds me that I have what they call uneven heartbeats, 25% uneven, that means every 3 beats, I skip one. Mom was worried while since then, I thought it's quite cool my heart can actually do those counting and miss the beat at the right time. I paid more attention and started to close my eyes, sort of meditating, sinking my head fully into the onsen without even worrying my eyes will got burst or not anymore, I mean, that's brave. I started to float under water. Like a baby, I was imagining, as they always told me. sound of heartbeats, weightless, the heat, and the sound of heartbeats. I like the missing sound.

Too hot and suffocating. I like this floating world.

surprisingly I got invited to a wine dinner by my wine agent, Fare and Fine Wine from London. I could bring a friend as well after Jim called from London. It was my first wine dinner ever. I mean I got invited few times by various people, most of the time cost from 2k to 10k HKD. I am simply too skin to attend such "high roller" events. Jim reassured me that dinner was free and a special invites organized for their best clients. My instant shock was they must had made mistake. How would I be one fo their best clients? The dinner would have billions of theirs if I am on the list. Or, they must be having real bad business.

I was so excited. so, now, the question is, who should I invite to go with me? He must be my best friend, treats me well, love wine and dine, and most importantly a great company for my evening.

arrived at the HK club with my friend Derek. He is always well dressed with great etiquette. We entered the private room. Few white men standing there and this guy came to me and reached out his hand, I supposed he is welcoming me and my friend. This tall white guy reached out his hand and greeted dereck first then me, and started chatting away with Dereck. I was thinking, "man, how dare him". His head must had been conditioned so bad by society. after 6 minutes of conversation, Dereck said, "maybe you should talk to this lady more about wine as I supposed she is your bigger client than me". James was his name, showed embarrassment but I gave him a very warm smile as that's what I supposed to do to make him feel less stupid being sexist.

Atomsphere was stiff but Dinner was great and I had I guess at least 8 glasses of wine and Krug. In fact, all I could see was just food and wine. with some easy math, I think I had over 15k wine wasted into my stomach. most I love was d'yquem. tasted like pina colada, but funny things is, people rather have a non pina colada and tracing taste of it elsewhere.

१०.१०.00

I looked up, it was 4.10pm. Clock was the analog type, those with 2 arms, oh no, it was those with 3. I always forget the littlest things. I was reading.

This new book looked awkward. The top 40% of the book was still wet, soaked with light brown stains, "must be the whiskey" I thought. I had on Friday two nights ago, and yes, it was still wet.

I looked up again, it was 4.31.12pm.

There was this conversation between two old friends strolling along a park somewhere set in china.

5.10.01pm

The two were catching up how life went on after over years of seperation. The woman was married with a daughter. She had a loving husband but did not feel in love. The man was dating someone, out of sympathy. There was this young girl sitting on a bench around the corner under the casting red sky, waiting.

5.38.29pm

I poured syrup all over the golden French toast. Smeared a huge chunk of butter on it. Mixed them together and made sure all four corners got covered up. "Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!", I whispered to the toast. I was juggling between my book and this glowing thingy. Both can be put into my body, one to my head, one to my stomach. I can only pick one. Life suddenly seem bit difficult here.

5.41.50pm

I cut the toast into smaller squares, slipped one into my mouth. "yum". Then another one.

5.42.32pm

There was this tension between this two person. The woman telling the guy why the hell he was dating this girl if it was not out of love, and this man was suggesting may be they should not have met up this time. And these just went on and on. A shadow of a boy with a backpack walked out from the forest, the young girl stood up, he walked passed her, and she sat down again. hands covering face.

5.45.20pm

French toast were more than half gone already. I was excited but little hesitated to take them quick. Three 50 somethings man were chatting about their sons. "I think my son should read more, anyone read more are smarter, I even majored Chinese when I was in Uni in London, am very well read too" the balded said. "anyone got accepted to Lee Po Chun is super smart and guarantees a bright future, and your son got in" said the women opposite him. Father grinned. "gee, I got admitted to Lee Po Chun too, so what? big deal!" I thought and poked my toast.

5.50.44pm
The young girl stood up from the bench, strayed towards a tree, leaning on it crying. "waiting is a painful thing" the woman signed. "She must be waiting for someone". "Not being in love would avoid you from so" said the man. "what you said was just naive" She asked him if he would like to go up to her apartment for dinner with her husband and daughter, he said he is not being invited, the woman said now he is, then he said, "sure". Sky getting darker while the sun was landing on my shoulder with my back leaning against the big window.

5.50.59pm

"sometimes you have to force your kid to do what is good for them" "I agree, we know so much better" These people seriously know what they were talking about I guess, because they have been through much, at least they think so.

5.51.20pm
supposably 10.10.00 is the most beautiful arrangement of a clock. That has been considered the most pleasing to the eyes. The golden ratio 1.6180339887 something like that I supposed. Reminiscing a minute ago, looking up the clock now, this is just quite beautiful, with the 3rd arm ticking hard and strong, round and round.

5.52.49pm

had my last bite of french toast. Will be back for more.

virgin flowers

Feel the need to write it down so I can remember years, months, weeks or even few days later. Am usually very assertive but I somehow just cannot be assured how great my memory is and how important things could possibly hold up in my head. I bet I may slip. From past records, my memory power was close to zero. So I gotta write it down to protect what is important, at least, to me, right now.

When what happened not going to repeat itself by time, a bit better version or worse, that event will soon fades away and vanish. I once dated this guy called Daniel, he told me, "Carol, love fades". I hated it and disagreed. I thought, "asshole!". Now, I realize there is partial truth in it. When you don't keep it going, everything fades. Like shoes gone tarnish if they are not shined, engines gone stuck if they are not ran. Love fades, of course, if connections not being tighten up. Cruel hey? but most people will rather admit such phenomenon instead of doing something more about it.

So I guess I should write now.

I was at my apartment a month ago. Sitting down on sofa turning up the ipod speaker for some Nina Simone time. Suddenly he said,"hey did you noticed something different around?" I looked around, well, my flat is the tiny cozy type. " wow!" I was closed to bounced up. It was something I adore. a nice stem of sunflower standing straight in this slim crystal clear vase. I commented, " but it would be nicer if there are few more of them or small flowers around it isn't it?" I gave him a kiss on cheek. How horrible I had such "things could be better" comment again, however, I was quite surprise and happy. It's an eternal truth that I always love sunflowers, for they are like the sun, lively and positive. Happy flowers they are.

I get bouquets quite often, especially at time when I was seeing someone. A receiver I am, but he is not a giver neither. He told me he never given flowers to anyone. It is unreal, but what can you say? all you can do is to take the words. Unreal for sure. flowers make me brighten up. even one, it will. In this case, I was surprised wondering the reason for him giving out his virgin flower. I smelled. smelled like sunflowers.

A week or so later, he gave me a bouquet of small white daisies. Almost like sunflowers but 29 times smaller. it was not in any fancy wrapping. He passed by a local shop and bought it secretly... I would romanticize it as "it is a cute surprise". In Chinese, white daisies are for the dead. I don't mind at all. I was as well affirmative that was not his intention being sarcastic. Plus, who will give horrible gift to the departed, if you do not love them, why send bad gift right? I did appreciate that a lot. First time receiving white daisies, and probably his first time giving out white daisy to a living creature.

Days had passed, the little white flowers turned weak and fragile. I could not bare seeing them dying one by one and trying hard to stand up straight like how they were before. I took them out, cut the better conditioned out and fill few wine glasses with water, placed 2 in each. They regained their beauty. Less struggling and protected by the solid crystal glass.

Days had passed like everyday truth. Water in glasses turned murky, white flowers decolonized into fading yellow. Every time I toured pass, this unexplainable desire drove me to a closer look, I dared not. They were dying, or had been dead, actually for that, I was pretty sure. Like bodies in coffins. except Coffins give us excuses to confront with straight eyes.

"What should I do?" I thought. Clearly it did not left me with options. One option is never to be considered as an option is it? I took up those once alive dead, walked to my bathroom, pour them into the toilet. one by one, exactly like an enduring massacre.

When there is no on-coming flowers, detaching from their beauty may be a smarter permanent truth hey? flowers fade. Today there is this sweet white rosy ones sitting in this long vase. smells fresh.

Chasing the Blue

Sky was blue. It was big and infinite. That was few months ago. In Switzerland.

My body was so light, soul was so open, mind was so clear. I didn't even analyze if I was happy or not. but I was. I was melted into things around me. looked up to the sky and I was taken up to the blue big thing. It was beauty.

Today, I was on a boat cruise in Stanley. Lying down on the upper white deck in my Missoni-like bikini, looking up. I did not want to compare if the Swiss, the French or this HK sky the bluest, the biggest. First, only stupid people make comparison on things, even on similar things like which nutella crepes is the yummiest. Second, it's the sky. The same god damn sky. For anyone who study bit of Geography would know, despite the nerdy weather man in TV always tell us otherwise. Anyway, it was as blue as it could be. However, I felt there is something strange about it. I was almost detached from it. My body was gravitated towards the boat mattress. It was as sticky as my most favorite sticky toffee pudding. Not like super glue sticky but it is like the sticky toffee pudding, with a sinking weight. a bit of sweet sweat as well, yummy.

My thoughts were crowding up my small head. With worries, desires, situations, interpretations. It was like rockets shooting left and right; sharks and jelly fish swimming back and forth, up and down in those little fish tanks at Mint (a members club in central HK) or maybe like wake boarding just now, jumping left to right between wakes, fell, grap the handle and jump from right to left again. I once, for a very long time, most probably the past 2 years, knowing I gain clarity on myself and things. I was free, like a bird. I never looked, nor seek. Sky turned infinitely blue unknowingly. I became the big blue sky. and so did it became me. And "I" vanished.

While here I am, looking up, trying to find this blue sky, it looks familiar but distanced. I must have lost much clarity here. I thought once I gain clarity, my mind pretty much unable to be chaotic again. Just like once you learn to bike, you would never know not to. It is ridiculously impossible. If this biking logic works, then most probably I was just never enlightened. I am back to wanting and seeking mode. Events around me were not exactly pleasing and it's in a way, stupid. I tried to comprehend why people make silly choices, and it became unresolved. I look for the big blue sky. The more I look, the further it float away, the heavier is this constant 9.80665 m/s2 pulling me down into the mattress. If that is the constant, as well, the big blue sky, what changed the scene must be my mind. or, what else?

always heard people say one should treasure. Should look. Like air we breath, we only notice when we choked, then we learn to appreciate it. However, I thought, fear will as well grow instantly after suffocation, afraid of loosing air again. The stubbornness of gaining air will then make you suffocate in another way. Just like happiness. One cannot have it if stubbornly hanging on to it.

Need not to find, Need not to chase. And there it is, the big blue sky.