virgin flowers

Feel the need to write it down so I can remember years, months, weeks or even few days later. Am usually very assertive but I somehow just cannot be assured how great my memory is and how important things could possibly hold up in my head. I bet I may slip. From past records, my memory power was close to zero. So I gotta write it down to protect what is important, at least, to me, right now.

When what happened not going to repeat itself by time, a bit better version or worse, that event will soon fades away and vanish. I once dated this guy called Daniel, he told me, "Carol, love fades". I hated it and disagreed. I thought, "asshole!". Now, I realize there is partial truth in it. When you don't keep it going, everything fades. Like shoes gone tarnish if they are not shined, engines gone stuck if they are not ran. Love fades, of course, if connections not being tighten up. Cruel hey? but most people will rather admit such phenomenon instead of doing something more about it.

So I guess I should write now.

I was at my apartment a month ago. Sitting down on sofa turning up the ipod speaker for some Nina Simone time. Suddenly he said,"hey did you noticed something different around?" I looked around, well, my flat is the tiny cozy type. " wow!" I was closed to bounced up. It was something I adore. a nice stem of sunflower standing straight in this slim crystal clear vase. I commented, " but it would be nicer if there are few more of them or small flowers around it isn't it?" I gave him a kiss on cheek. How horrible I had such "things could be better" comment again, however, I was quite surprise and happy. It's an eternal truth that I always love sunflowers, for they are like the sun, lively and positive. Happy flowers they are.

I get bouquets quite often, especially at time when I was seeing someone. A receiver I am, but he is not a giver neither. He told me he never given flowers to anyone. It is unreal, but what can you say? all you can do is to take the words. Unreal for sure. flowers make me brighten up. even one, it will. In this case, I was surprised wondering the reason for him giving out his virgin flower. I smelled. smelled like sunflowers.

A week or so later, he gave me a bouquet of small white daisies. Almost like sunflowers but 29 times smaller. it was not in any fancy wrapping. He passed by a local shop and bought it secretly... I would romanticize it as "it is a cute surprise". In Chinese, white daisies are for the dead. I don't mind at all. I was as well affirmative that was not his intention being sarcastic. Plus, who will give horrible gift to the departed, if you do not love them, why send bad gift right? I did appreciate that a lot. First time receiving white daisies, and probably his first time giving out white daisy to a living creature.

Days had passed, the little white flowers turned weak and fragile. I could not bare seeing them dying one by one and trying hard to stand up straight like how they were before. I took them out, cut the better conditioned out and fill few wine glasses with water, placed 2 in each. They regained their beauty. Less struggling and protected by the solid crystal glass.

Days had passed like everyday truth. Water in glasses turned murky, white flowers decolonized into fading yellow. Every time I toured pass, this unexplainable desire drove me to a closer look, I dared not. They were dying, or had been dead, actually for that, I was pretty sure. Like bodies in coffins. except Coffins give us excuses to confront with straight eyes.

"What should I do?" I thought. Clearly it did not left me with options. One option is never to be considered as an option is it? I took up those once alive dead, walked to my bathroom, pour them into the toilet. one by one, exactly like an enduring massacre.

When there is no on-coming flowers, detaching from their beauty may be a smarter permanent truth hey? flowers fade. Today there is this sweet white rosy ones sitting in this long vase. smells fresh.

Chasing the Blue

Sky was blue. It was big and infinite. That was few months ago. In Switzerland.

My body was so light, soul was so open, mind was so clear. I didn't even analyze if I was happy or not. but I was. I was melted into things around me. looked up to the sky and I was taken up to the blue big thing. It was beauty.

Today, I was on a boat cruise in Stanley. Lying down on the upper white deck in my Missoni-like bikini, looking up. I did not want to compare if the Swiss, the French or this HK sky the bluest, the biggest. First, only stupid people make comparison on things, even on similar things like which nutella crepes is the yummiest. Second, it's the sky. The same god damn sky. For anyone who study bit of Geography would know, despite the nerdy weather man in TV always tell us otherwise. Anyway, it was as blue as it could be. However, I felt there is something strange about it. I was almost detached from it. My body was gravitated towards the boat mattress. It was as sticky as my most favorite sticky toffee pudding. Not like super glue sticky but it is like the sticky toffee pudding, with a sinking weight. a bit of sweet sweat as well, yummy.

My thoughts were crowding up my small head. With worries, desires, situations, interpretations. It was like rockets shooting left and right; sharks and jelly fish swimming back and forth, up and down in those little fish tanks at Mint (a members club in central HK) or maybe like wake boarding just now, jumping left to right between wakes, fell, grap the handle and jump from right to left again. I once, for a very long time, most probably the past 2 years, knowing I gain clarity on myself and things. I was free, like a bird. I never looked, nor seek. Sky turned infinitely blue unknowingly. I became the big blue sky. and so did it became me. And "I" vanished.

While here I am, looking up, trying to find this blue sky, it looks familiar but distanced. I must have lost much clarity here. I thought once I gain clarity, my mind pretty much unable to be chaotic again. Just like once you learn to bike, you would never know not to. It is ridiculously impossible. If this biking logic works, then most probably I was just never enlightened. I am back to wanting and seeking mode. Events around me were not exactly pleasing and it's in a way, stupid. I tried to comprehend why people make silly choices, and it became unresolved. I look for the big blue sky. The more I look, the further it float away, the heavier is this constant 9.80665 m/s2 pulling me down into the mattress. If that is the constant, as well, the big blue sky, what changed the scene must be my mind. or, what else?

always heard people say one should treasure. Should look. Like air we breath, we only notice when we choked, then we learn to appreciate it. However, I thought, fear will as well grow instantly after suffocation, afraid of loosing air again. The stubbornness of gaining air will then make you suffocate in another way. Just like happiness. One cannot have it if stubbornly hanging on to it.

Need not to find, Need not to chase. And there it is, the big blue sky.

MY Birthday Cake

It's my birthday. 27Aug 00.10am. at my serviced apartment's bathroom with eyes shut. "ready?" he said. In front of me is a cheese cake, a little candle on top and a small flame awaiting for me to blow it off. Oh and there were 2 solid hands below the cake holding on to it. I should have taken a picture, for I almost forgotten how it looked like anymore, it's been 2 weeks.

As horribly as I have been, I said, "wow.. this is so sweet... cheesecake, Mandarine Oriental's the yummiest". He said, "I knew something is wrong. ok, next time yeah?". the fact is, I am really not sure when will be the next time, oh yeah, it should be a year later, but is this next time a next time with him? that, is another story that can't be found out till then. how can we be so unsure about even on such littlest thing, I just can't see these things coming. It could be interpreted as a good surprise, but how much surprises of such one would love to have when you hold these little precious moment so dearly? I complained "then it will be a year later.. that's a year..I may be dead by then!" I wasn't actually complaining it's not a good cake nor I want the perfect one, if you know what I mean. It's just I was so bothered by the things in my head. I was in fact, extraordinarily happy.

he said, " then it will be other days, xmas, new year, right?" for that, I thought it's so long time later too. I have been concluded, sort of, that, the dimension of time with me is very different than with a typical being, of course, excluding those soon dying ones. I meant a normal being at age of 30s. they mostly live in a different timezone than mine. and I struggled.

It was sweet he had such thoughts though. but again, how sure he is to make such moments coming, not to mention the up and coming mid autumn? am not sure on my side as well. Does everyone keep things they believe and their wishes intact? or it's just me? passively forced to have faith leaves me.

There wasn't any cute little chocolate tag scribbled "happy birthday carol" nor "happy our first birthday" on the cake, which is almost a must. It was just a small mango cheese cake picked up on our street next door little earlier. but a birthday song I heard. He said,"make a wish"... wow, I actually forgotten we can still make wishes these days. I was almost surprised and lost. what wishes? will they come true? if I granted one wishes, isn't that I should wish my next 1000 wishes will come true. Or how about "I wish he will be happiest, healthy.. and everyone else" I struggled but I did make a wishful wish. why not? there is always something to wish for. He said,"it's my first time buying a cake to someone". "Is that right? can't be true?!" I thought. then "why would he this time?" "for a change?" or "am just experimental as always?" or "everyone just like to be romantic with me at moments and leave me later when it's not convenient, as I can handle that?" or "that's just a very sweet act, to me, to our lost birthdays?"

I blew off the flame, surprisingly it was still burning. we smiled.

No Mandarine Oriental, no choco tag but it's one of the yummiest cake I ever had.