Chasing the Blue

Sky was blue. It was big and infinite. That was few months ago. In Switzerland.

My body was so light, soul was so open, mind was so clear. I didn't even analyze if I was happy or not. but I was. I was melted into things around me. looked up to the sky and I was taken up to the blue big thing. It was beauty.

Today, I was on a boat cruise in Stanley. Lying down on the upper white deck in my Missoni-like bikini, looking up. I did not want to compare if the Swiss, the French or this HK sky the bluest, the biggest. First, only stupid people make comparison on things, even on similar things like which nutella crepes is the yummiest. Second, it's the sky. The same god damn sky. For anyone who study bit of Geography would know, despite the nerdy weather man in TV always tell us otherwise. Anyway, it was as blue as it could be. However, I felt there is something strange about it. I was almost detached from it. My body was gravitated towards the boat mattress. It was as sticky as my most favorite sticky toffee pudding. Not like super glue sticky but it is like the sticky toffee pudding, with a sinking weight. a bit of sweet sweat as well, yummy.

My thoughts were crowding up my small head. With worries, desires, situations, interpretations. It was like rockets shooting left and right; sharks and jelly fish swimming back and forth, up and down in those little fish tanks at Mint (a members club in central HK) or maybe like wake boarding just now, jumping left to right between wakes, fell, grap the handle and jump from right to left again. I once, for a very long time, most probably the past 2 years, knowing I gain clarity on myself and things. I was free, like a bird. I never looked, nor seek. Sky turned infinitely blue unknowingly. I became the big blue sky. and so did it became me. And "I" vanished.

While here I am, looking up, trying to find this blue sky, it looks familiar but distanced. I must have lost much clarity here. I thought once I gain clarity, my mind pretty much unable to be chaotic again. Just like once you learn to bike, you would never know not to. It is ridiculously impossible. If this biking logic works, then most probably I was just never enlightened. I am back to wanting and seeking mode. Events around me were not exactly pleasing and it's in a way, stupid. I tried to comprehend why people make silly choices, and it became unresolved. I look for the big blue sky. The more I look, the further it float away, the heavier is this constant 9.80665 m/s2 pulling me down into the mattress. If that is the constant, as well, the big blue sky, what changed the scene must be my mind. or, what else?

always heard people say one should treasure. Should look. Like air we breath, we only notice when we choked, then we learn to appreciate it. However, I thought, fear will as well grow instantly after suffocation, afraid of loosing air again. The stubbornness of gaining air will then make you suffocate in another way. Just like happiness. One cannot have it if stubbornly hanging on to it.

Need not to find, Need not to chase. And there it is, the big blue sky.