virgin flowers

Feel the need to write it down so I can remember years, months, weeks or even few days later. Am usually very assertive but I somehow just cannot be assured how great my memory is and how important things could possibly hold up in my head. I bet I may slip. From past records, my memory power was close to zero. So I gotta write it down to protect what is important, at least, to me, right now.

When what happened not going to repeat itself by time, a bit better version or worse, that event will soon fades away and vanish. I once dated this guy called Daniel, he told me, "Carol, love fades". I hated it and disagreed. I thought, "asshole!". Now, I realize there is partial truth in it. When you don't keep it going, everything fades. Like shoes gone tarnish if they are not shined, engines gone stuck if they are not ran. Love fades, of course, if connections not being tighten up. Cruel hey? but most people will rather admit such phenomenon instead of doing something more about it.

So I guess I should write now.

I was at my apartment a month ago. Sitting down on sofa turning up the ipod speaker for some Nina Simone time. Suddenly he said,"hey did you noticed something different around?" I looked around, well, my flat is the tiny cozy type. " wow!" I was closed to bounced up. It was something I adore. a nice stem of sunflower standing straight in this slim crystal clear vase. I commented, " but it would be nicer if there are few more of them or small flowers around it isn't it?" I gave him a kiss on cheek. How horrible I had such "things could be better" comment again, however, I was quite surprise and happy. It's an eternal truth that I always love sunflowers, for they are like the sun, lively and positive. Happy flowers they are.

I get bouquets quite often, especially at time when I was seeing someone. A receiver I am, but he is not a giver neither. He told me he never given flowers to anyone. It is unreal, but what can you say? all you can do is to take the words. Unreal for sure. flowers make me brighten up. even one, it will. In this case, I was surprised wondering the reason for him giving out his virgin flower. I smelled. smelled like sunflowers.

A week or so later, he gave me a bouquet of small white daisies. Almost like sunflowers but 29 times smaller. it was not in any fancy wrapping. He passed by a local shop and bought it secretly... I would romanticize it as "it is a cute surprise". In Chinese, white daisies are for the dead. I don't mind at all. I was as well affirmative that was not his intention being sarcastic. Plus, who will give horrible gift to the departed, if you do not love them, why send bad gift right? I did appreciate that a lot. First time receiving white daisies, and probably his first time giving out white daisy to a living creature.

Days had passed, the little white flowers turned weak and fragile. I could not bare seeing them dying one by one and trying hard to stand up straight like how they were before. I took them out, cut the better conditioned out and fill few wine glasses with water, placed 2 in each. They regained their beauty. Less struggling and protected by the solid crystal glass.

Days had passed like everyday truth. Water in glasses turned murky, white flowers decolonized into fading yellow. Every time I toured pass, this unexplainable desire drove me to a closer look, I dared not. They were dying, or had been dead, actually for that, I was pretty sure. Like bodies in coffins. except Coffins give us excuses to confront with straight eyes.

"What should I do?" I thought. Clearly it did not left me with options. One option is never to be considered as an option is it? I took up those once alive dead, walked to my bathroom, pour them into the toilet. one by one, exactly like an enduring massacre.

When there is no on-coming flowers, detaching from their beauty may be a smarter permanent truth hey? flowers fade. Today there is this sweet white rosy ones sitting in this long vase. smells fresh.